There was a spring in my heavily blistered step this morning walking back from the bus stop. It was a crisp morning with bright sunshine, and it changes my mood almost instantly. The rest of the day was spent catching up on admin and updating spreadsheets, which whilst it can be tedious, was well worth doing. I also spent some time on my lines, and I think my neighbours may have thought there was an argument going on, as I worked on my closing monologue again and again. I am slightly disappointed at my inability to learn lines, especially considering the amount of nagging I do to others in the same position. It has also made me consider how much I want to act in the future. The buzz that I have got in the past is not really as significant as it used to be. Is that because of the roles I have been playing lately or is it simply that I have realised that I get more out of the other side of the process? Having experienced watching something that I have written being performed, my mind has gone into overdrive as to what I would like to do next. Whether there is a large degree of vanity involved or not I am not sure, but It is something that I have thoroughly enjoyed. I would not go as far as to say that what I have written is very good, but I am quite proud of my decision with the second play. It was far more of a stream of consciousness than the first one, and as a result, it could have been open to a lot of criticism, Coupled with the fact that it was performed by a less experienced cast and overseen by a first time director, and I think it was actually quite a brave decision to try it that way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but it was certainly a successful project. I do not get the same satisfaction from performing though. It might be that I am a control freak and that I find that a lack of control over the whole production is frustrating. I am not arrogant about theatre, but I do know what I think works, and what I like. Consequently, if I see someone else doing something that I don not care for, I find myself biting my bottom lip and not focusing enough on what I am doing. As a Director, you can influence the whole play, as an actor, it is more difficult. We shall see how the rehearsal goes tonight.
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